PASCOS FC - a football joke

When they were beaten 14-4 by FC Broadhurst last month, PASCOS FC had a lame excuse that they had come as a depleted team and promised to set the record right by walloping FC Broadhurst but everyone knows that its only Chipolopolo who have the guts and ability to say and do that.

PASCOS FC was a bundle of nerves punctuated by their coming late to their home pitch while this past Sunday was a day for Broadhurst to do the unthinkable as they for the first time came early for a match. PASCOS went on to be beaten 17-2.

A third of the PASCOS team had no soccer boots though the urban legend has it that the whole team has boots, its only that they are comfortable playing on bare feet. But playing against Parkers and Mudhawu on bare feet is not a comforting thought, it’s a mad man’s suicidal wet dream.

The first 15 minutes saw PASCOS dictate the pace of the game and manage to keep Broadhurst in its own half with their bare footed playmaker Coster threatening to run circles within the midfield but that was before the midfield genius of Bra Hlo, Nick, Karabo and Simba took the reigns. Once that was done goals started coming and the question was when will PASCOS avenge its defeat.

If PASCOS really wanted to win they could have at least tried to shoot at goal and try one Kumbi who was in goals for Broadhurst. Kumbi’s body is proportioned in such a way that it is difficult for him to run, jump let alone dive and this was clearly visible to any one and PASCOS could have manipulated this to their advantage and tried shooting from afar. But they did not, instead tried walking the ball into the net and Broadhurst’s defense of Ronny, Parkers, Maqhawe and Mudhawu reminded them that this is taboo and alien.

The goal that PASCOS scored in the first half was a speculative shot from outside the box by the youngest of the three brothers who form the core of PASCOS. As expected Kumbi just raised his hands as if surrendering and that was PASCOS’ s goal. In second half their second and final goal of the afternoon was a toe poke by the bare footed Coster again from outside the box and this went wide and far from the reach of Zeal who was now in goals replacing Kumbi who was playing as a midfielder.

PASCOS should be disbanded and all their players be black listed from any football matters as they bring the game of soccer into disrepute. When the initial agreed time elapsed the referee blew the whistle to make the end of the match but lo and behold, PASCOS requested for an additional 20 minutes and one should not be fooled into thinking that they had improved their game and wanted to conjure a great comeback, turn the game on its head and go on to win- they don’t have a Stephen Gerrard, the master of comebacks. At that time the match was poised at 13-2 but with additional 20 minutes, 4 more goals went past the PASCOS goalminder.

Goal scorers for the day were Benjamin, Tinashe, Maqhawe, Zeal, Karabo, Bongani and Tsepang, yes Tsepang. Tsepang had had several chances that he had failed to convert and it seemed like he would not score until he managed to squeeze the ball between the goalie and the upright post. But in all honesty Tsepang was offside.

Coach Bongs put the final nail on the PASCOS coffin when he got to the end of a lovely pass from the right wing- a product of a cocktail of some fancy foot work by Tiego and Simba. The whole of PASCO cried for an offside whistle against Bongs but the beefy player coach was on side and the tired PASCOS defense could not even chase him as he dashed for goal; the keeper left his line to try and cut Bongs’ shooting options little did he know that Bongs had other ideas. As he got into the 18 yard area he did as if he were shooting only for the keeper to fall for the decoy and come down with a thud in the process spreading his legs so wide as one giving birth. Bongs rounded him and then put the ball into a yawning goal. This keeper surely got home with not only soil between his bums but stretch marks on his thighs and a swollen pelvis and groin as he spent most of the game down on his bums, legs stretched all over from the dribbling and his desperate stunts to keep the scoreline respectable.

PASCOS should be disbanded for real, when Maqhawe was substituted early in the first half due to some stomach cramps, Tinashe came in and played defense and there he was playing like a Dani Alves, always up field just as Maqhawe had been doing. Maqhawe is a Maicon for he can venture forward and be equally good defense wise but with Tinz that can not be said but PASCOS really made Tinz look like a good wing back as they never tested his defensive mantle.

Then Mozy who was out due to a nagging ankle injury came in for the second half and the formation was changed to 3-5-2 so that PASCOS could be further denied possession by being outnumbered in the midfield. Soon Broadhurst’s defense had two defenders as Mozy was now part of the midfield albeit on the right wing after realizing that PASCOS was not showing signs of seeking a win.